Breaking the Cycle of Perfectionism

by Diana Nielsen

Do you think you might be a perfectionist? Many of us who have been wondering about ourselves or someone we know attended Judy Galbraith’s presentation on “Breaking the Cycle of Perfectionism” at Pittsford Middle School. Judy is the president of Free Spirit Publishing whose mission is to help kids help themselves. They offer a catalog of publications addressing issues about many subjects including behavior disorders, bullies, conflict resolution, goal setting, health and nutrition, social skills, self esteem and violence.

The focus of her lecture was perfectionism and the stress that comes with it. Her first slide pictured a dog at the psychiatrist’s office. The caption was “Sure it’s always good dog - but is it ever great dog?”

She gave us a pop quiz. We discovered some of the traits of perfectionists. One is that they may insist on finishing each project in every detail, working and working until they get it right. Then, they aren’t satisfied with the results. They also tend to be critical of others if they don’t live up to their standards

There is no evidence that perfectionism is genetic but it does run in families. Every day we see ads telling us we should have perfect makeup, perfect cars and perfect children. She stressed that there is a difference between striving for excellence and seeking perfectionism. A perfectionist doesn’t feel satisfied with his performance whereas someone who strives for excellence would look back and feel satisfied with a job well done. Perfectionism comes from not feeling elevated, the “If only I had . . . ” syndrome. It takes more than a competent intellect to be a success. Sometimes the more you think about something, the worse it gets. The less a person understands his own feelings, the more he falls prey to them. We need to feel pleased with how we are acquiring a healthy self esteem.

Ms. Galbraith read some letters from students who have heard her speak. One boy wanted to know if potential goes away when we get older. Potential is something we can love or loathe. It means having something to offer but it can be a burden to try harder, work smarter and do better. “I want to be an artist, but I must strive to be a brain surgeon.” “ I made the junior varsity, but I could have tried out for varsity.” “ I’m in the top 20 percent of the class but I should have been the valedictorian.”

In some families you are not allowed to express negative emotions. “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it.” Look at your vocabulary around emotions. Do you know the difference between frustrated and mad? Sometimes all we know is mad. There is a place where we can find optimal performance between too low and too high demand, too much and too little stimulation. This means finding a balance of stress whether it applies to intellectual, athletic, artistic or interpersonal pursuits. It’s important to remember what is stressful for one person may not be for another. How do we achieve good results without exhausting ourselves and how do we accomplish work without undue stress?

The speaker’s list of self care skills sound familiar, sensible and straightforward. 1) Get physical activity and stay fit. 2) You are what you eat. 3) Practice relaxation. Your body talks to you all the time. Learn to listen. Remember to breathe. 4) Find support from friends. 5) Be assertive. To get your needs met you may have to ask for that. If you feel powerless, describe what’s going on in simple language, tell how you feel and ask for things to be different. Another tool is the fine art of prioritizing. Not everything worth doing is worth doing well. She asked the audience for an example of something not worth doing well. Someone mentioned housework.

We may waste time finishing a project not worth finishing rather than starting something new that is worth it. We will go without enough sleep, but adequate sleep is necessary because during that time, we actually do problem solving so we can function better. When it comes to learning and development, optimal knowledge and achievement come in levels, clusters and spurts. We develop each level in a cycle related to brain growth. As we take in new learning, our “intelligence” may move repeatedly to lower levels in order to build components to produce new higher levels. For me, this related to my experience with depression. It seems as if I plunge into an apathy and lethargy so deep that I find myself unable to do much of anything. Then later I am able to function at higher levels. This is something I have suspected for some time.

Ms. Galbraith advised three techniques. 1) Practice saying “It’s time to stop.” Give yourself time limits. 2) Reward yourself in the process of learning. 3) Redefine the word “mistake” in your own mind. Mistakes are proof of growth and learning. One of the favorite expressions I have used with friends and family when things don’t turn out the way we had hoped has been “It’s a learning experience.” Just because you are half way through something doesn’t mean what you did until that point didn’t matter.

What do you do when you are around a young person and you make a mistake? Do you say “I’m an idiot” or “You didn’t see that. ”[insert ‘?’ AP] What kind of model are you? Ms. Galbraith related an experience she had when she missed an airplane and was upset that she had to wait at the airport. She was becoming disagreeable and had started to blame others or [[and AP]] be unkind to the counter person. She sat down next to a somewhat disheveled man in the airport with a battered briefcase and a name tag from a conference he had been attending. It was Isaac Asimov. If she hadn’t missed the plane, she wouldn’t have had the chance to meet him. Madeline L’Engle’s Wrinkle in Time was turned down by 20 publishing houses because they said it would too hard for children to read. She later proposed that it may have been too hard for grownups. Sometimes when things don’t work out as we expected, if we are open to it, something even better will occur.

Another technique to avoid perfectionism is developing a sense of humor. Find what’s funny even when you are sad or in pain. It is the opposite of taking yourself too seriously. It may help you put your experience in perspective. Pressures can blot out the lighter side of life. Think about what success is. Who determines it? Your relatives? Your neighbors? One thirteen year old said success is reaching his manifest destiny. Another said it is not worrying about her manifest destiny.

During a question and answer period, someone asked about the connection between perfectionism and obsession compulsion. She said that those traits are seen in some perfectionists. If it goes that far, one should see a professional.

What can you do to help someone who tends to be a perfectionist? Advise him to try something that he will probably do well. Break assignments down, mix them up and brainstorm with the person. Do some things just for the fun of it. Judy Galbraith spoke to an audience of parents in a middle school who were concerned for their children, but what she discussed could apply to anyone with perfectionist tendencies.

Laura: Put This in a Box

Examples of Perfectionism vs. the Pursuit of Excellence

The Pursuit of Excellence means thinking more of yourself for trying something new. It leads to congratulating yourself on a job well done instead of beating yourself up because you didn’t do well enough. This difference is shown in the following examples:

q Doing three drafts, staying up two nights in a row and being late because you had to get it right (and still feeling bad about it).

Doing the research that is necessary for a project. Meeting the deadline and feeling good about what you learned.

q Always working alone because no one can do as good a job as you – and you don’t want anyone else to mess it up for you.

Choosing to work on group projects because you enjoy learning from the varied experience and approaches of different people.

q Deciding to organize and run a day care center.

Deciding to baby-sit to earn some extra money.

q Not being able to leave the house until everything is just so.

Keeping your house cleaner and neater, vacuuming once a week, putting things away.

Laura, This Should be another box:

Traits of Perfectionism and Tips for Combating Them.

1. Setting unreasonable and impossible goals.

Be average for a day. Allow yourself to be messy, late, incomplete . . . imperfect.

Acknowledge that your expectations of yourself might be too high, even unrealistic.

2. Unsatisfied in an area of good results.

Celebrate your success. Savor your past accomplishments. Write about how good they made you feel.

3. Unable to take risks (academically or socially ) because of fear of failing, not being best, not doing well enough. All-or-nothing view. Difficulty seeing situations or performances and projects other than good or bad.

Take a risk. Sign up for a course with a reputation for being challenging. Start a conversation with someone you don’t know. Do a project or assignment without overdoing it.

4. Compulsive planning.

Start a day without a plan. Alter your morning routine.

5. Critical of self or others.

Join the human race. It’s less lonely when we accept our own and others’ imperfections and feel part of life.

6. Afraid of making mistakes.

Give yourself permission to make at least three mistakes a day.

7. Afraid of revealing weakness and imperfections.

Share a weakness or limitation with a friend. Recognize that he or she doesn’t think any less of you as a result.

8. Procrastinate because of the need to do perfectly. Feel that your self worth depends on performance.

Get involved in activities that are not graded or judged – activities that focus on process, not product.

9. Difficulties in relationships expecting too much of self and others. Dissatisfaction with situations and relationships that are not ideal.

Ask your friend to help you “cure” your perfectionism. Perhaps they can give you a sign or a word when they notice you are being a perfectionist.

10. Experiencing stress and anxiety. Prone to depression. Difficulty in enjoying the present moment because preoccupied with the next hurdle.

Stop using the “should” in your self-talk. Remove “I have to” from your conversation.