Choosing Happiness

by Karen Welch

As I child I had many moments of discontent, worry and unhappiness. Not getting the Barbie airplane for Christmas one year sent me into a funk that ruined the entire Christmas. At seven, I could not put aside my disappointment and unhappiness despite the fact that I received many other great presents. At this early age, I believed that this is how life worked -- you were disappointed and unhappy.

I’m not quite sure how I came to be like this. I wonder if it was a genetic predisposition to misery. By all accounts, my childhood was fairly normal. I had loving and giving parents. I always had enough material possessions. I just did not know how to be happy or content. No one explained to me that happiness was a choice or that I had the power to change my thoughts or feelings.

I carried this discontent and unhappiness into my adolescence. When I fell in love for the first time it was an amazing experience full of emotion and passion. It was one of the few times I ever felt truly light and happy. However, I would not or could not let this happiness last either because it made me uncomfortable or because I did not know how to deal with it. Self-sabotage seemed to be my only recourse. I developed an eating disorder which allowed me to control my feelings and made me unable to maintain intimate relationships. Of course, this development caused the relationship to end badly. I became my own self-fulfilling misery prophecy; in life, you were meant to be unhappy and disappointed.

In my late teens and early twenties, I traded my eating disorder for an alcohol addiction. Luckily, I hit my bottom rather quickly and had a loving mother who nagged me into treatment. The first few years of my recovery were really rocky. I compensated for the loss of alcohol with a co-dependent relationship where I found no happiness. My actively alcoholic partner was a constant source of worry and disappointment. I thrived on this for almost three years while struggling not to drink again myself.

I began my recovery from alcoholism almost 17 years ago. It was only after the first four years that I began to take my recovery seriously. I ended my disastrous relationship and began to attend all sorts of self-help meetings. These programs gave me a foundation for living and taught me how to live in a rigorously honest manner. Through working a program of recovery and practicing daily affirmations, I trained myself to rethink my negative thoughts. I learned to live authentically and, for the first time in my life, I began to feel a sense of peace as I gained self-acceptance. I no longer had long periods of self loathing. In spite of these major changes, happiness still eluded me.

In my driven way, I never really thought about being happy. I was content to be a person ‘doing’; I was always working a lot, volunteering on many committees and exercising like a maniac. I told myself that I was constitutionally incapable of being happy and content; my dark Irish soul prevented me from engaging in happiness or lightness (it had also been my reason for drinking). By viewing my unhappiness as part of my personality rather than a life choice, I was prevented from moving forward in my recovery.

Ten years ago, I met someone and began a relationship. This person was happier and lighter than me. Humor was a big part of his life. He knew how to have fun. For me, laughing and engaging in silliness often seemed pointless. I took myself extremely serious and expected others to do the same. My new partner did not follow that rule.

We have been married for eight years. After the first few years of my marriage, I could see that my husband was disappointed that he could not help make me happy. He had deluded himself into thinking that he could change me. The contrast in our personalities continued to exist although we were able to maintain a relationship.

About six years ago, I became a mother. I now have two young children. Their appearance in my life is when I began to move down the road toward happiness. When my first child was an infant, I constantly worried that I was too depressed and morose and that I would pass my negative nature on to him.

I remember reading about many studies that showed the harmful effects that depressed mothers had on their child’s development. I always managed to relate these studies to my own behavior. I didn’t realize that feeling anxious was natural as a new mother and probably related to the sleep deprivation that I had been suffering for months. However, reading about these studies made me change my behavior. I vigilantly monitored myself to make sure that I was happy and upbeat around my child. For someone who tends to be introverted and depressed, this was difficult.

That old slogan of “fake it until you make it,” seemed to work. One day I noticed that I was singing to my son all of the time. I developed a lightness around him that I never had before in my life. I was able to relive my own childhood by watching him wade through his innocent childhood. My daughter came three years later and I had these same feelings and experiences with her. The sheer act of modeling happiness created it. This was a great lesson for me.

As my son got older and his personality and language developed, I began to realize that he was not always the sunny, bright boy that I thought he would be. At four and a half, he was already engaging in negative self-talk. He often chose to look at things in a negative way. Where did this come from? Did I cause it with my own darkness?

I realized my own attitudes may have influenced him. But rather than blame myself, I chose to model positive, happy behavior for him. As I worked with my son, I began to understand that happiness is a choice. I am trying to teach him that he has the power to influence his thoughts and feelings. He can decide to be happy and positive.

For years I thought that happiness was something I earned or that would come naturally to me. Now, I understand that it is my responsibility to work on happiness. I am developing a spiritual practice that teaches me that all I need is within myself. This practice encourages its members to seek their own happiness. By creating personal happiness for ourselves, we can then help others to create their own.

Choosing happiness and hope is not an easy task. It is often easier and more comfortable to be negative and unhappy. I cannot honestly say that I gravitate toward happiness in my daily life. I can say that I am working to create happiness, peace and hope in my life. I am hopeful that, like the rest of my experiences in life, my ability to do this will improve with time and practice.