Forging Ahead

by Karen Sutton

Karen Sutton is a Contributing Writer to this journal.

The experience I have with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can make me feel frustrated and alone sometimes. I have problems with abandonment issues, unstable relationships, self-image, impulsivity of self-harm, extreme mood swings, and chronic feelings of emptiness and anger. I am working on them at a continuing day treatment program as well as with my therapist/case-manager.

Because I feel agitated and anxious at times, I feel like cutting my toe nails too short or burning my wrist with a cigarette. After I harm myself, I feel relief from the negative feelings that I was having. I have a hard time expressing my emotions. When I start to feel this way, I get out my list of coping skills and use them until the feeling has passed. I am going to start to wear a rubber band around my wrist and put the nail clippers in the freezer so I will remember to use ice cubes when I feel the urge to burn myself or cut my toe nails. Knowing that the hotline is always there also helps me prevent myself from doing any self-harm. I try to read the book The Skills Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder every day.

My therapist did mention to me that I will have slip ups with my disorder. My doctor has changed one of my medications to help me relieve the anxiety that I have been experiencing. It is worse at night. By doing things that I enjoy in my apartment, I will keep my mind active and distract myself from any negative thoughts. I will put things in a box that will help me when I start feeling anxious and the urge to do self-harm. I call it “My Distress Box.” What I put in it is a relaxation tape, cards, a puzzle, crafts and my favorite book. I may put in it a list of things to do like take a shower, watch a comedy on TV or go for a walk. Also, I will have a list of emergency numbers like the hotline and my therapist. I will start to use this to help me relax.

I am also going to get out and start meeting new people to make new friends. I have not done this lately. If anyone has BPD this might help you. I want to see the stigma against BPD decrease. Each of us must combat it in every way we can with information, education and compassion. The more people know about BPD, the sooner mistakes and stereotypes will fall by the wayside. I would also like to see a support group in Niagara County for people who have this disorder and who are co-dependent, another one of my problems. If anyone wants to start a support group, please contact the Mental Health Association in your area.

I still have my mood swings with Manic Depression, but I have been coping with them pretty well. I stay on medication and I write in my journal daily.

This is coming from my heart to yours, remember to love yourself and I will do the same.