Knowing My Limitations

by Victoria E. Molta

Victoria is a Contributing Writer

It seems that I am never grateful for the gift of good mental health until I have gone through an episode of mental disturbance and illness to become well once more. I must never take peace of mind for granted.

I have been suffering from a minor episode the past few weeks. It is not as severe as past episodes when I could not function or would want to hurt myself. Rather, it is anxiety that gnaws at me and won’t let go of me like a vicious dog that refuses to give up its bone. I have been disturbed and have wanted to flee from life and my loved ones, isolating in the privacy of my room. I have functioned nevertheless and have carried burdensome thoughts around unhappily, wondering when they will go away. Very often they arise out of stress. When I am overly anxious, I pile on numerous activities to the point where my brain is manically spinning. It is a sign that I must live moderately and slow down if I want to choose to be happy and healthy. My husband Bill has been trying to hammer this into my head for years. I didn’t really get it. I was stubborn and greedy and wanted everything now. I am fortunate that I am able to let go of certain things in my life that are too demanding. Many people are forced to forge ahead in spite of feeling overwhelmed by the stress of a full time job (which I don’t have) and children (which I don’t have), among other things.

Very often, when I overdo it, I find myself unsatisfied: either hungry for more, or feeling extremely anxious. Years ago, I drove myself to the point of psychosis. Today, I realize that as long as I live, the demands of life will never end. So, instead of consuming big chunks at a time, like eating a whole cake and feeling sick instead of satisfied, it is better for me to savor small bits at a time. In other words, I need to pace myself. When I slow down, I have the opportunity to enjoy each new day as a gift to be treasured.

It is my responsibility to maintain my mental health. I need to monitor my state of mind like a diabetic watching her blood sugar, regulating equilibrium. It is my duty to my loved ones to show them that I can take care of myself. It is having the insight and awareness to know when something in my mind isn’t working right and to correct it. In the past, I challenged my limitations like crashing through a gate that said “do not enter” and found myself falling off a cliff, grasping desperately for a twig, a branch, the air, until I found myself collapsed in a heap.

In order to know when turmoil is not the norm, I’ve had to first taste and experience the gift of peace and serenity. Having been fortunate to have enjoyed the beauty of stillness in my mind in recent years, I now want it in my life as much as possible. Good mental health was once elusive to me, like fruitlessly chasing after a butterfly. Now, I have the opportunity to cultivate it like tending to a delicate flower that sprouts from the fertile foundation of my mind. I will never have complete power over tumultuous seasons in my life. I know that difficult things happen in my life that are beyond my control, but I also know that turmoil passes like a cloud in an otherwise, clear, open sky.