Agoraphobia

by Patricia Moniot

Patricia is one of our Contributing Writers.

I have, for some time, been struggling with Agoraphobia as an appropriate label for me. I finally got brave and was evaluated for it. The consensus is that I am not clinically agoraphobic. Agoraphobics have an abject terror of leaving their safe spot or home. They have terror and anxiety symptoms if they have to leave. They are not able to work outside the home or go shopping as I can. My problem is that I hate to travel and I have too much to do at home to want to spend time traveling to someone’s place or to a store. I could be getting things done at home (work, rest, hobby, cleaning, phone talk).

I think my symptoms of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, worrying about the list of things I would have to take with me, makes it appear that I don’t want to go anywhere. I realize that it is a fault, because to be nice, one is supposed to want to visit others unless you don’t like them. In my case, I like my friends but don’t want to visit them with their own furniture and their own food. And yet I love my friends and under certain circumstances (lunch out, shopping, etc.) I am happy to accompany them.

If I do have agoraphobia, perhaps I have an extended version. Rather than being trapped by fear in my apartment, I go out to my chosen stores, and I hold down a full-time job. I like familiar surroundings and I feel comfortable in my office cubicle.

I think it is a matter of control of my life. I don’t like risks, and adventures take their toll. I want every minute to fit into my list, my cubbyhole. This, I will admit, smacks of the dreaded OCD, which I do have. I am grateful that anyone professes to like me. I can’t always be likable because my condition makes my behavior different, in need of a label.

The label makes people tolerate me better. “Oh, Pat, just did that because she is ________” (fill in the label). Sometimes it is hard work merely to explain myself to others. As my dad would say, “It’s a great life.”