Let’s Stop Shaking Babies
by Diana Nielsen
New York has passed a law mandating education of new parents about the dangers of shaking their babies. We read heartbreaking stories about caretakers, tired of constant crying or frequent awakenings at night, hurting or even killing these defenseless infants. Each time I read another story I wonder what is being done to educate parents about the damage they may inflict on their children in other ways that may not show up at the emergency room or in doctors’ offices. Can we offer courses along with childbirth preparation on how to deal with the much longer period of raising the child after the parents come home from the hospital?
A child, even a tiny baby, who feels like a burden, whose parents scream or neglect him discovers a different world from one who is welcomed, smiled at and has his needs attended to. Other children can be cruel and teasing. Everyone has a hard time feeling accepted and loved in this world even under the best of circumstances. Some children seem to have little chance for ever finding that validation.
Much has been said about fear of abandonment as a major issue for people with shaky mental health. How is a little girl who was put into foster care while her sister was kept at home going to feel later in life? She believes a kind family wanted to keep her but her father would not release her for adoption. Placed in other foster homes where she was treated cruelly, she kept running away. Why couldn’t some people from a religious group she found understand that at age 17, she wanted to be on her own rather than with a family, when family had let her down? Is it any wonder she ends up as a withdrawn child, later having trouble sustaining a job?
How about another little girl from a nice home with adoring relatives who sees her father leave and then make promises that he will get together with her which he doesn’t keep? As a teenager, she wonders if he really cares, has trouble concentrating in school, is moody and finds it difficult to separate from her mother.
There is the little boy who keeps being told he should be tough on the playground, hide his emotions and act like a man, who grows up feeling he cannot measure up to expectations. He has to prove that manhood by finding one woman after another even if it means breaking up his family.
What about the cute little boy who is molested by his older cousin repeatedly at family functions when he is ten through twelve years old and spends his early twenties dealing drugs? He spends the middle of his twenties serving four years in state prison.
When we look at people who are in prison, how many times do we find stories of children who were abused and turned to drugs, crime or violence because of anger or the desire to find an easy way out of poverty? A guest essayist in our local paper wrote from prison:
"The disease of addiction is only treatable by painstaking and tedious removal of the mask of self-deception and self-abnegation. Drug addiction is indeed a disease of the heart and soul plagued with both childhood and adulthood traumas. I’ve been searching deep within my soul for answers . . . However, there is one irrefutable truth I’ve learned: I did not love myself. A person who loves himself or herself doesn’t engage in drug abuse or other harmful activities."
Certainly not all mental illness comes from one’s childhood treatment. Sigmund Freud, credited with being the father of psychology, saw a deep connection between childhood traumas and adult despair. He claimed long sessions of analysis would help us banish these demons. Later we discovered an interplay of physical and temperamental, social as well as environmental, sources of problems. Others discovered and tested treatment combining medication, counseling, and behavioral methods. We have gone beyond blaming the parents for the ills of the children, a theory which isn’t helpful to anyone.
How do we stop the cycle? We know many of these parents were treated in these abusive ways when they were children themselves. We also see many cases of people facing adverse childhoods with strength, seeking a way out through education, other role models, religious faith or whatever means possible to become healthy adults contributing to the world.
It is not a new idea to reach children early. Most people recognize the success of early childhood programs like Head Start. I recently read about a program where teachers visit the homes of their students. It makes a difference in keeping them in school and doing well. There are all kinds of agencies and programs that work with parents, but unfortunately many of the ones who need the most help do not sign themselves up for services. It is only when the child becomes a problem that others get involved. We reminisce for the days when families lived closer together and aunts, uncles or grandparents could support over-stressed parents. This has been expressed by the thought: "It takes a village to raise a child."
We recognize that the downward spiral of drug addiction can be similar to experiencing a relapse of mental health symptoms. We may feel worse and worse when we think we have recovered only to find ourselves slipping back again. We may feel as if we are not only letting ourselves down but those who care about us as well. A woman on the Board of Contributors of the Rochester newspaper wrote:
"Parents can make the crucial difference by modeling the right choices. Through the integration of spiritual health, lifelong learning, exercise, healthy relationships and self-challenge, a greater sense of health and well-being can be achieved. Parents are in the all-powerful position to expose their children to these options in the formative years. What one can see, or at least conceive of, one can achieve. Drugs are not an option when early on it is made clear that drug use is a copout. Validation of our children’s self-worth and capability by reflecting to them all that we know they can do is too important."
We keep hearing how all this takes a lot of money and resources. Recent articles point out how we spend more for justice, courts, and police than for education and prevention. Everyone seems frustrated, the judges, lawyers, police, counselors, teachers, family members, and the people who end up in programs of all kinds, as well as the victims of crimes. I have worked at learning more about why parents abuse their children, their spouses or their parents. I have heard that it is a way of gaining power and control. We all want to feel in control, but why must it be at the expense of someone who we sense is weaker? Why do we wear people down, often resulting in such awful consequences? Can we teach parents to say "I know you are doing your best. I trust you." instead of "You are too messy, too fat or too lazy." Can we set up programs like Visiting Friends or Compeer for parents on the edge? Can each of us take on the responsibility of listening to someone we meet and telling that person that we care and we will not give up on him or her? If we can try to reach all new parents to educate them about the dangers of literally shaking their babies, why can’t we try to educate them on the dangers of shaking them in other ways so each child is treated with respect, dignity and love and feels wanted and welcomed.