Forging Ahead
by Karen Sutton, Contributing Editor

Karen Sutton’s column is a regular feature in this journal.

I feel as if I am on a roller coaster ride with my mood swings. I need to work harder on remembering my symptoms of mania and depression so I will know what to do when either one starts to appear. I call this symptom management. I make sure that I don’t forget to take my medications at the correct time as they are prescribed. I always write in my journal how I am feeling, but when I am depressed it helps me more because that is something I can do no matter how I am feeling.

I have been coping with my mental illness of manic depression as well as borderline personality disorder. I do feel lonely as if no one understands what I am going through or feeling. I found out through the Mental Health Association in my county that there is a support group for anxiety and manic depression. I am nervous about going, which is normal, but I am going to go to the support group. There is even one in Buffalo for people who have borderline personality disorder which I am thinking about attending as well. If you have a mental illness and you are feeling lonely as if nobody understands how you feel and what you are going through, please contact the local Mental Health Association in your county.

In Erie County, the telephone number for the Mental Health Association is 886-1242. In Monroe County, the number is 325-3145.

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I have been going through some rough times lately dealing with my illness which is borderline personality disorder because the symptoms of the disorder are starting to reappear. I started to burn my arms again with a cigarette and am doing a lot of "splitting." This is the inability of people with borderline personality disorder to hold opposites in our minds simultaneously, such as good and bad, happy and sad, the inability to find middle ground. I have to use my coping skills more often, so I don’t hurt myself in a physical way. I have been working out of my workbook a lot and reading a good book about this disorder.

I am used to dealing with negative emotions, not positive ones; it’s part of the disorder. I can experience positive emotions, but they don’t last. I have to work hard at learning to keep my positive emotions lingering. I get afraid that if I feel good emotions, bad things will happen. I have a phobia around positive emotions so that a negative thought intrudes quickly. I am going to work hard to fight this disorder by using my coping skills and changing my bad coping skills to positive new ones, for example, writing in my journal.

If anyone is dealing with this disorder, please remember that you are not alone and I know how you feel. If I can fight this disorder to get it under control, so can you. One thing about borderline personality disorder is it can be helped with behavior modification which is what I call "changing my skills to use my ‘coping skills.’" This is coming from my heart to yours, please remember to take your medication and be a "manager over your own illness," It is important to love yourself. I will do the same.