The one that bothers me a lot is creepy crawlers. As I
wait to fall asleep each night, they come out. They feel just like bugs crawling on me. It
seems when I try to swat them, look for them or otherwise obsess on them, they just get
worse. Eventually I will fall asleep so that they bother me no more for that night. Twenty
years ago I had a visual hallucination that two bugs were crawling up my leg. I saw them.
I swatted at them and they dissolved into nothingness. They were not real.
Hello, sir, nice to meet you. I was representing my
company at an industrial show. I went outside to smoke a cigarette. As several people came
out the door they said, "Hello, Jay," "Oh, there you are Jay." As I
stood there, the voices actually sounded like these people were saying hello to me. They
weren’t though, and I knew it.
A salute to you, Mr. President. At this point,
coworkers had found out that I had schizophrenia and were playing tricks on me. Driving
home from work, I heard on the radio that someone had broken the U. S. Flag off President
George Bush’s limousine. When I got home there was a U.S. Flag lying in my front
yard. I had a delusion that I was a secret advisor to the president. I liked President
Bush, and this delusion lasted his entire four years in office. Another time as I drove
home, I saw those guys in the white suits with the big butterfly nets. It’s a joke
about "crazy" people. My psychiatrist wanted to know if they chased me with the
nets. They hadn’t. I had ignored it.
Hey, that’s my joke. "Knock, knock,"
"Who’s there?" "Phil," "Phil who?" "Fill up my cup
of coffee." I made up that joke several years ago. A young boy was on the Jay Leno
show and told a slightly different version of the joke. He received $500 from the Dixie
Cup company. Also, I liked to make up short funny lines years ago. I especially enjoyed
the cartoons in The New Yorker. I leafed through a copy at the psychiatrist’s
office and it seemed as if all of the cartoons were versions of my jokes. I took the copy
to the psychiatrist. I told him, but he refused to look at the jokes. He said, "I
guess you’re more popular than you thought." I asked him if I could keep The
New Yorker copy. He said someone else might want to read it. I wish I had that copy
now so I could analyze it more. I think it may be rare to have evidence of a delusion - or
- what if I really was that popular?
Fear as a motivator. I have been ostracized several
times during my education and engineering career. One time I remember quite clearly was
ostracism due to my smoking in the office. Although other issues were at play, smoking was
the most apparent one. No one in the office of six people would even say good morning. It
hurt so much. After changing jobs, a company I worked at was located in a county which was
implementing a new smoking law. Anyone in a given area could declare a nonsmoking area. I
was so afraid of history repeating itself that I joined the American Cancer Society and
quit. It was very difficult. Six months later when the pressure was off I started smoking
again.
Depression. This is very common for people with
schizophrenia. I used to get upset very easily before I started taking Prozac. For me
loneliness sets in very easily. I like to be around other people as much as possible. The
Restoration Society Clubhouses are great.
Reality check. On a dark and rainy night I was returning
from an out of town trip. I missed my exit and made a u-turn at a toll plaza. I became
paranoid that I had caused an accident. I was still paranoid several days later and
decided to go to the state police office. I told the officer I had schizophrenia and was
paranoid about whether there had been an accident. He checked all the records for that day
and reassured me there had been no accident. He was very nice about it.
There are other symptoms of schizophrenia and other
mental illnesses which the reader may have experienced, but I have not. I encourage
readers to write about your experiences and send them to Mental Health World. We
can publish your article anonymously if you wish.
As far as recovery goes, I think the first step is to
acknowledge the illness. Then, by accepting medication and psychotherapy, you can begin
healing. The healing may be one step forward and one step backward, but I am sure one can
gain awareness, insight and a happier, more rewarding life. It is necessary to put
one’s conscience in charge of feelings, the mind, daily decisions and life.
