You may see me walking down the street. When I am moving, I appear to be the picture of normalcy but when my body is at rest, my muscles begin to go into spasm and move involuntarily. I have tardive dyskinesia.

I have discovered some techniques to fool some of you at times that I do not suffer from this illness to make you more comfortable and at ease when you see me. The major drawback of these techniques is that it is difficult for me to listen attentively. Most of the time I put your comfort first but at other times for my own peace, I have to let down my imaginary wall and allow my body to shake.

 

Many of you wonder if this illness can be caught like the common cold. I’d like to explain that my illness resulted from taking an antipsychotic drug which liberated me and many others from the inside of the psychiatric hospital. When these medications were introduced in 1953, a bell was cast from the shackles in hospitals which constricted the hands and feet of people who suffered from mental illness before me. Modern psychiatric wards today are regular hospital wards. There are no longer chains of bondage.

You may be afraid of me but I won’t hurt you; I am like some people with mental illnesses. My heart is filled with extreme love for others but at times my mind is fooled into believing in things that are not real. I possess qualities of a frightened child who has a nightmare and wants you to love and understand not hate or scorn me.

Many of you may wonder if it was worth it for me to take this medication. My first impulse was to sue the drug manufacturer but then I remembered that this was the medication that liberated me from the revolving door of psychiatric wards. Other times, I question the amount of information about this disorder that I was given at the time that I started to take this medication.

Most of the time I look at the thirteen years of new life which I have lived and which would not have existed if I did not take this medication. This new life has included getting married, working at times, and watching my nieces and nephews grow up. A smile appears on my face and ironically my jaw stops moving around involuntarily. I know why something as simple and beautiful as a smile can stop this violent and uncontrolled movement of my jaw. No longer are my mouth muscles at rest. When I smile, I exert a muscle movement that stops this uncontrolled tremor momentarily until I relax my jaw again.

My illness cannot be cured at this time but there is a new and very expensive medication on the market. It may help me although there are risks involved. I have just found the beautiful peace of mind that I fought a lifetime to achieve and I may risk losing this to appear more aesthetically appealing to you. If I don’t take this medication when it is presented to me, my neurological condition may continue to worsen. I am not ready to make this decision. In the meantime, I don’t want you to be afraid or pity me if you see me in public. Remember what I said, I am kind and I love others as God has told us to do. I hope that if we meet we can be friends instead of enemies.