Here I sit at my computer at 1:18 a.m. Why is it that just a few days ago my psychiatrist asked if I have nightmares and then I have one? I rarely do. Although I don’t remember this one, it woke me up when I sat up in bed. I’m sure it was a matter of life and death. What does this have to do with vicissitudes? Probably a lot, and I thought it might be a good way to start this article. Dreams seem to reflect much of life.

Now, I look back remembering the circumstances that got me curious about vicissitudes. It was in counseling around 1989. The counselor got me interested in making a toolkit about coping strategies to get along in life. For a number of years I kept the list in my wallet. Now, I don’t know what happened to the list. But I do remember it contained, "Beware of the Vicissitudes." It sounds kind of Shakespearean, doesn’t it? (Beware of the Ides of March)

Webster’s New Collegiate Dictionary defines vicissitudes as: 1a: The quality or state of being changeable b: natural change or mutation visible in nature or in human affairs; 2a: a favorable or unfavorable event or situation that occurs by chance: a fluctuation of state or condition <the vicissitudes of daily life> b: alternating change.

Serendipity also fits into this condition of life, as it means the faculty of finding valuable or agreeable things not sought for. How lucky have you been lately?

Having schizophrenia, I frequently find myself trying to be a perfectionist, as well as having a certain rigidity of thinking. Vicissitudes remind one that life possibly should be a process of adapting and readapting to unexpected or new situations in life. Recently I read somewhere that when one is living life to the fullest, it feels like walking on a tightrope. Keeping balance through the ups and downs of life can be a difficult feat. Some of us go through mood swings on a regular basis throughout our lives. This compounds the problem. There are so many different states of mind, and we must try to keep our conscience in charge of our lives. When I was so down and out years ago, a stranger’s smile could make the day for me. I was so lonely. Now that I’m feeling better, I try to do the same for others. I’ve found that a handshake and a smile can go a long way. I also very much like that saying, "commit [caps? DN] random acts of kindness." My all time favorite bumper sticker is, "Don’t Postpone Joy." So much of American society is based on materialism. There are many people who don’t have many material possessions. The really important things are free: air, walking and love. In America we are promised "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness." I have much less money now than when I was an engineer, but my life is much more full and rewarding. Occasionally I even get the feeling of self-actualization. It usually doesn’t last long though. Beware of the vicissitudes.

I was at counseling at 2:00 p.m. this afternoon. The counselor and I were discussing friendship. She said I play games with my mind. This never came up before. She found a better job and I won’t see her again. As I drove down Elmwood Avenue I left the radio off as I thought about counseling. Usually I have the radio on. I got to the Elmwood Clubhouse and I felt much better as friends said, "Hi" and we shook hands. After a cigarette and cup of coffee we had a steering committee meeting and there was some disagreement and arguing. Then others were more distant to me. Tonight, as I write this I feel a little lonely. I tried to call several friends and none of them were home. I will try to be patient until the vicissitudes shift. Steely Dan sings "It will come back to you." I hope so.