This is Ben’s story about the discovery, diagnosis and treatment of his adult Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). He’s a recovering alcoholic who is also a member of an ongoing twelve step program and prefers to maintain his anonymity. In this interview he candidly shares his story of discovery, recovery and reconciliation of a life lost and found.

"I joke about it now, but for the longest time I wondered how I had come this far without getting killed - being as stupid as I thought I was. By the time I was in my mid-twenties I was a drinking almost daily and had lost more jobs, crashed more vehicles and alienated more people I care to remember. I was also involved with an ever growing list of illegal drugs and related activities including pot, cocaine, and white tab speed. Looking back now, I see that trying to self medicate almost made sense.

"How did I discover I had ADD? I can’t tell if it was coincidence or just inevitable that I would see signs indicating that I might have a treatable condition. Certainly I would never have been able to make that discovery if I hadn’t quit drinking and "gotten with the program." I don’t believe an ADD diagnosis or treatment would have mattered had I not become sober and learned about living life on life’s terms - one day at a time. Perhaps if I had been diagnosed and treated in grade school things might have been different. By the time I quit high school, I was already drinking daily and a long way from being either willing or teachable.

"Things began to change for me about three years ago when I had been in the program for nine years. I was working the steps and attending weekly meetings all along and the benefits were growing steadily. I had a job, I had friends and I had gratitude for the sanity and sobriety that had been afforded me by the welfare system, court system and especially the twelve step programs filled with people who keep coming back to lend an encouraging word and a cup of coffee to those willing and able to get through the door. Getting sober saved my body, and the program saved my life.

"Even with all this positive change, I felt that I was missing something. I couldn’t help wondering if this was all there was to sobriety. On one hand I felt like I was getting more normal, at long last. Yet, there were all these adaptations I had used for years that didn’t work that well.

"No matter when I started getting ready - I was chronically late for work. Before I could accept any kind of project, all my emotional planets had to be in alignment. And even at that, the terror and probability that I wouldn’t complete the project was very real. My only hope was to super focus at the exclusion of all else including sleeping, eating and attending meetings since any disruption could derail me indefinitely.

"My life was better but my lifestyle was a wreck. I had piles of stuff everywhere in my apartment that I knew how to deal with, but didn’t feel emotionally able to handle. Reading for pleasure was never fun since I’d drift off with some idea or description and have to reread each page several times. I was highly motivated to ‘fix me’ and I poured over self help books. Some books helped. But most offered ways of effecting my life that I understood but couldn’t seem to apply.

"People say to get things done, just make a decision. Oh sure, it sounds easy. I could make choices but I couldn’t muster enough intent, commitment, or responsibility to actually make decisions. My house was piled with papers - bills, personal letters, junk mail. I’d look at them, feel overwhelmed at the thought of responding, then set them down on a pile until I ran out of room again and had to excavate (put in boxes and stick in the attic).

"I couldn’t remember my life as I lived it, and I wanted to save it for review. So, as a matter of course, I’d tape record phone conversations and answering machine messages. I would take photos of my friends and the piles of stuff in my apartment. I’d even photograph stuff I was throwing away.

"Three years ago I visited a cousin in Boston and we hit it off like there hadn’t been a twenty year gap in our relationship. She went off on an angry and humorous ramble through a long list of our addicted, alcoholic, co-dependent, loser, workaholic, creative and beloved first cousins and ‘near sibling’ friends. I could relate until she started talking about how it connected to her nephews, their struggle with ADD, my probable ADD and the selected handful of other ADD misfit cousins in our otherwise classically alcoholic/co-dependent family structure.

"I smiled and nodded as if I knew exactly what she meant and took a little trip back to my grade school days. Days filled with C minus report cards, admonishments for window watching during lessons, getting the "Nomad Award" for not staying at my desk, and being repeatedly reeled back in by the teachers from my fits of hyper toe tapping - play dough - rocket- pounding -out -the door -and up- the- side of the building- "creative energy" episodes. I didn’t know exactly what my cousin meant and it made me wonder.

"Two months later I was looking through the bookcase at my mother’s cottage and noticed a large book with a catchy title called " Driven to Distraction." This book turned out to be a page turner for me. It was clearly written and easy to understand. I was a bit stunned to have so many of my life’s struggles chronicled in black and white.

"I called my mom to see where she had gotten this book. She was a grade school teacher on the east coast and had been required to take a seminar on ADD the previous semester as part of her ongoing training. She said she had cried through the whole seminar as she remembered the years of her struggle to get me through school. My inability to perform and test well were symptoms of ADD but they just made me look like I was stupid. Year after year of low grades weighed heavily on me. The evidence was overwhelming and I adapted by playing the "Bumbler." Although this was originally intended as social armor, I have subjugated my true self to this painful persona for many years now.

"Within two weeks of reading the book I was sitting in a psychologists’s office for testing. It was strange trying to explain my childhood. Certainly my history as a hyper active child was a major indicator, but I began to feel this whole ADD thing was too easy an answer for the lifetime of problems I had had to deal with. I took a series of simple tests, colored cards, line drawing recollection and more and I knew I was right; I was just doing too well with these child like games to be diagnosed with ADD. I was really startled to discover how badly I had actually done on all but one of the tests he had given me. So with my HMO diagnosis in hand, I quickly made an appointment with a psychiatrist for medication.

"I take Ritalin to treat my ADD. Ritalin is the main therapeutic drug for ADD ( there are a couple others). It isn’t used for much else besides treating ADD. It’s a stimulant which acts on the part of the brain where the executive decision making process occurs. It feels sort of like speed only without the jitters. It’s very highly controlled for quality by the pharmaceutical producers and in terms of treatment for ADD, either it works for you or it doesn’t. For me it worked with dramatic results.

"Over several months, as I gradually increased the dosage with my doctor, I found a level and frequency that worked well for me. In terms of my program of sobriety, I felt guilty for a while because the meds made me feel "too" good. I had to get with others in the program and talk about it. While some insist that a drug is a drug is a drug, I believe that anything can be abused but that medication as its place in recovery.

"Right away I experienced an emotional calm. The self doubt and fears that inserted themselves into most of my activities seemed to fade into the background. I could plan the steps for any given task without getting hung up on how each one was going to happen. I could proceed - one step at a time - without the feeling that I should be doing all the steps simultaneously. The next benefit was I could shift gears! I could go from one thing to another and back without panicking or quitting. I could stop what I was doing, deal with a phone call, and know with confidence that I would be back to finish what I was doing.

I became confident, relaxed and my extraneous fears left me. I could actually remember what I was saying and thinking about in front of a large group of people, as my mouth continued to move. I started taking on test projects to see what I could do. I spent the first year jumping around and trying a little of everything. At some point it slowly started dawning on me that I wasn’t stupid or lazy. Suddenly I was considering options that weren’t possible ever before.

"Here I am two years later doing better at 43 than ever before in my life. New options and opportunities appear every day. I feel secure and I remember what happens now day to day, as I easily make decisions. I no longer suffer my own mistakes as personal defects, I learn from them. What a concept! I’m married and have a young son whose care I ‘m able to participate in with my newfound capabilities...and I’m hopeful.... grateful and very hopeful. It’s a nice change."